Hopelessness!! That’s the word that
I felt right when my wife and I found out she was dealing with infertility
which came from PCOS a common disease
among women. However, though thinking it was treatable, shock and
disappointment entered the picture. Let’s just say there were tons of emotions
that entered my mind and created doubt and fear.
This is
way before I even considered the thoughts of my wife and the deep pain that at
that moment crept deep into her very being. To have to see my wife in a place
of unbelief while searching for answers made me delve into a place of
depression. My wife for the most part isn’t expressive and she would mostly
display this tough exterior and provide just enough info not to divulge great
detail.
I remember
receiving the news and the scatter brains we had after trying to figure out our
best options. For me at least it was my world crashing down, the thought of my
wife possibly not being able to conceive shook me to the core. Questions
towards the faithfulness of God and the absence that I felt came from him couldn’t
be soothed by clichés or church phrases. The pain we felt was deep, real and
for the foreseeable future unsolvable. The faith I proclaimed became at that very
moment hard to grasp and was put to the test.
On top of that everyone around us
was getting pregnant. Bitterness and disdain crept in our minds and celebrating
others victories became even harder. Coupled with the thoughts of the media
showing unfit parents abandoning their children, Satan’s voice became louder
and lies were hard to avoid.
Then my
wife’s words “I’m broken” though covered with a smile and a laugh were
real. LIKE!! Life didn’t prepare me in a
way that would soothe her pain in that moment.
I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t “FIX” her like the way I thought
but could only walk with her in what seems like our biggest challenge.
I remember
lying in the bed one night and as I was accustomed to doing asked my wife if
she was OK. There was a quietness that was strange, so me being the annoying
husband I am called her a few more times. When she didn’t answer I got a little
closer and realized she was crying and as tears ran down her eyes she in so
little words said she was afraid . Nothing is as hard as seeing your wife feel
broken and all you can do is comfort her.
The
doctors gave her pills upon pills to no avail, only options that would
financially put us in a bind. The confidence we had in those doctors dwindled
as the changes we were hoping for never came. This brings us to where we are
now. The same doctors told us they were unable to do anything and our only
option was a $15,000 shot that increased the chances but weren’t full proof. Needless to say we declined and are on the
next phase of journey. In some way we have become OK with whatever happens and
in many ways this has strengthened us as couple and fortified our faith. We don’t
know what tomorrow holds nor if anything will help but we are confident in the
fact that “ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD” even when it doesn’t feel
like it.
My only
request is to check in on us. Ask us how we are doing and provide some
encouragement as we weather this storm. Its hard for the most part going
through this alone but if you have befriended my wife reach out from the busyness
of your day and walk with her as long as you can. Pray for her that she will be made whole, pray
that are faith will remain and a God filled energy and endurance.
