Our Journey

Hopelessness!! That’s the word that I felt right when my wife and I found out she was dealing with infertility which came from PCOS a common  disease among women. However, though thinking it was treatable, shock and disappointment entered the picture. Let’s just say there were tons of emotions that entered my mind and created doubt and fear.

                This is way before I even considered the thoughts of my wife and the deep pain that at that moment crept deep into her very being. To have to see my wife in a place of unbelief while searching for answers made me delve into a place of depression. My wife for the most part isn’t expressive and she would mostly display this tough exterior and provide just enough info not to divulge great detail.   

                I remember receiving the news and the scatter brains we had after trying to figure out our best options. For me at least it was my world crashing down, the thought of my wife possibly not being able to conceive shook me to the core. Questions towards the faithfulness of God and the absence that I felt came from him couldn’t be soothed by clichés or church phrases. The pain we felt was deep, real and for the foreseeable future unsolvable.  The faith I proclaimed became at that very moment hard to grasp and was put to the test.

On top of that everyone around us was getting pregnant. Bitterness and disdain crept in our minds and celebrating others victories became even harder. Coupled with the thoughts of the media showing unfit parents abandoning their children, Satan’s voice became louder and lies were hard to avoid.

                Then my wife’s words “I’m broken” though covered with a smile and a laugh were real.  LIKE!! Life didn’t prepare me in a way that would soothe her pain in that moment.  I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t “FIX” her like the way I thought but could only walk with her in what seems like our biggest challenge.

                I remember lying in the bed one night and as I was accustomed to doing asked my wife if she was OK. There was a quietness that was strange, so me being the annoying husband I am called her a few more times. When she didn’t answer I got a little closer and realized she was crying and as tears ran down her eyes she in so little words said she was afraid . Nothing is as hard as seeing your wife feel broken and all you can do is comfort her.

                The doctors gave her pills upon pills to no avail, only options that would financially put us in a bind. The confidence we had in those doctors dwindled as the changes we were hoping for never came. This brings us to where we are now. The same doctors told us they were unable to do anything and our only option was a $15,000 shot that increased the chances but weren’t full proof.  Needless to say we declined and are on the next phase of journey. In some way we have become OK with whatever happens and in many ways this has strengthened us as couple and fortified our faith. We don’t know what tomorrow holds nor if anything will help but we are confident in the fact that “ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR OUR GOOD” even when it doesn’t feel like it.

                My only request is to check in on us. Ask us how we are doing and provide some encouragement as we weather this storm. Its hard for the most part going through this alone but if you have befriended my wife reach out from the busyness of your day and walk with her as long as you can.  Pray for her that she will be made whole, pray that are faith will remain and a God filled energy and endurance.

TAKE THE SHOT!!!

My brother once told me “after you finish making money for your employer go home and work on your own dreams”. That rang loudly and brought fresh perspective to how I function daily. Oftentimes we spend countless hours working and creating someone else’s dreams that we put our own on the backburner. We are so fueled by making that next buck that we often become slaves to the agendas of others. There are certain gifts, talents etc. that we let go to waste for a variety of reasons and choose to never pursue them and use them to leave great legacies.

One of the biggest reasons for not pursuing after our goals is a fear of taking risks. The idea of failing leaves many of us in a state of “rigamortis” afraid to move and stuck in the same place of normality. Every dream WORTH chasing involves some level of risk and naturally the thought of not succeeding comes to mind. Let me clear it may very well be the case that the way you envisioned the accomplishment of your goals may not become a reality. Someone once said that “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. The idea of completing an objective or reaching a goal should be exhilarating and should light a fire that produces a level of momentum.

While starting my website plenty thoughts of doubts and insecurities crossed my mind. Thoughts like

“Who would want to really look at my website”?

“Why would you pursue something that will ultimately fail”?

“You haven’t even created a website before it will not be appealing”?

All of these ideas flew around my mind like a carousel and for many days and stopped me dead in my tracks. Soon after I realized that I was basing my success on the volume of people who visited my site (which there is success in that). However, the true success in it is reaching and engaging with people who actually need my product, whatever that number might be. I have big goals for my website, even to the extent of becoming a household name but it would of never happen until I took the first shot. No matter how ugly and uninspiring that first attempt was, I owe it to myself to go after it with a sense of excellence.

Make time for your own passions and desires. Put the time into it with the same ferocity that you would someone else’s goals and keep people around you who back your talents. Celebrate the small victories and don’t give up when faced with the first sign of failure.  Failures and risks help to build the strength needed to persevere.  Don’t sleep on your dreams just because others don’t see it, it’s time to create your brand, a brand that helps others and leaves a lasting impact.

Struggles

Trials and life

FYI (Throughout the post I will use trials and struggles interchangeably …so don’t be alarmed)

Life…… the word that comes to mind when I think about life is...TRIALS.  Oftentimes in this world struggle seems like our true companion. It follows us around, attached to our side whispering sweet nothings in our ears. It doesn’t show favoritism and comes in many forms often times catching us off guard. Overwhelming us and bringing us to our lowest point, consuming our hearts and controlling the whirlwind of emotions we experience. OH, how life was so simple when we were younger. The innocence we experienced all while not having a care in the world. To be honest I wish I could barricade myself in a closet hiding myself from the world. Struggle wasn’t something we were necessarily taught as we grew up. Some of us experienced struggle more than others. The idea of struggle was something that I believe most parents tried to cover up. They didn’t want us to encounter it or be exposed to it thinking it would lead to destruction. This has led to our downfall instead. We are opposed to struggle of any kind and attach negative characteristics to it, though struggling and trials help us to reap great benefits.

                Struggling (trials) should be looked at through the right lens. It’s not something that should be viewed as an idea designated for certain individuals. Each person will have to experience it in some fashion. The harm created with trying to shield the coming generations from struggle is that it has created of culture of FAKE PEOPLE. Look at any social media post and you will see the great strides many go to attempting to hide their lives and create a picture perfect reality. We have in a sense become the authors of our lives, controlling it an editing out the things we don’t want others to see.

However, there are two things promised in life. DEATH AND STRUGGLE. 

James 1 made it very clear the posture we should have when we face various trials. COUNT IT ALL JOY. The reason is because it produces something is us that would never come to completion without it. It creates perseverance. This is the ability to graciously make it through the storm without giving up. A change in our perspectives comes through looking at the bigger scheme of things the eternal picture. Giving up when faced with issues shouldn’t be in those who have already won the final battle. YESSSSS, times are tough and it does look as though we can’t find a way escape. However, we have been promised to overcome as we are reminded of Gods goodness in the midst of our most challenging times. Put down the façade and take off the mask because let’s be honest none of our lives are perfect. Be open with those close to you and receive the help offered by others to make it on the other side. We are not meant to face life alone it must be done in the presence of community. From now until the day we die it will be imperfect people helping imperfect people. You may be able to hide from others but in the private when no one is around we will still have to deal with the brokenness of our lives. You can’t run from reality so let’s deal with it straight on.

Love

Sometimes I feel like the love I have is insufficient. Like the love I possess is incapable of loving someone fully. That my tainted view and picture of love will further bring someone to their ruin. The love that I desire to give is incomplete, lacking something that will benefit those that are close to me.  Giving love often puts me in a vulnerable position that opens my heart to all types of hurt. Love isn’t this perfect idea beautifully wrapped and ready to be given to its recipient.  Loving someone often times is grimy and is not the fainthearted. Loving even when it seems to not be reciprocal many times humbles you and reveals the inauthenticity and flakiness of our love. It shows how conditional our love is and how it only flourishes in the most perfect circumstances.

Crazy thing is we have been sold a false idea of love for so long that we have been blinded to what it really looks like. From reality TV shows we see a love that manipulates and is aggressive and often times lacks service. From Disney to other kid networks we see a love that’s without struggle and conflict. Because of this we run from things that are painful and dish out resentment when we are hurt. Since many have been manipulated constantly they place everyone that follows into that same box not letting anyone in. The love that many seek only leads to disappointment because they have disguised what is really lust and called it love.

We all have rehearsed and quoted 1 Corinthians so much that it has become stale lacking power in our lives. Though that verse shows us how love looks, many never seek to put it into action and from the sideline never enter the game. These verses hold great power and change the landscape of our relationships and our world.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres
We see in the early parts of the chapter we are given a full description of how love should look.

-We see that love is patient and kind. This shows us that love requires the ability to deal with friends, spouses and others with long suffering as they imperfectly try to express their love to you. It means that when they do upset you and get under your skin that you extend mercy and are kind even when there is no benefit.

-We see that love does not envy, it does not boast and is not proud.  We see that when we love that we celebrate with those who God is blessing in a different way. We walk with them and congratulate their successes. We see that love doesn’t boast in successes or become proud as if our good works are the sole reason to our rise up the ranks. It walks humbly before others and considers others before ourselves even if it is not reciprocal.

-We see that love doesn’t do anything that would bring shame or disgrace to their name.

-We see that love is not only focused on what we will get in return.  Good works aren’t done with evil intentions solely based on our benefit. It’s seeking to serve and put ourselves lowly for the benefit of others.

-We see that love isn’t being easily angered. It is being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. This means that we use great wisdom in our responses to others. We don’t lash out in an emotional rage tearing down whatever is in our path. Its fully hearing what the other is saying and responding accordingly. “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” BE WISE

-Love doesn’t keep a tally mark of the amount of times someone has wronged us. We freely forgive because we have been forgiven. It doesn’t benefit anyone to hold grudges and choose to be filled with hate. If someone harms you don’t count it against them. Use wisdom when dealing with them again but don’t let your heart be consumed with anger.

I know these things aren’t natural for us. In a world filled with hurt, pain, and corruption love will be the driving force behind change. I am not perfect by any means, I struggle with loving my spouse and others perfectly all the time but I am glad that God strengthens me daily to grow in these areas. Join in as we love genuinely and serve those around us.

contentment

Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

          This idea of contentment is foreign to most people, especially myself. Living in a society hinged on consumerism, being content comes hard. There is always a new trend, new clothing, new technology and because of that we can never keep our eyes on one thing. Contentment in its truest sense is to be satisfied, or to be at ease with ones state of living. However, since we are a broken and evil people, contentment is not appealing and does not meet our self-centered desires. I personally have encountered and still encountered this waging battle to remain content in whatever area I find myself in. Paul in 1 timothy 6 understood what true contentment looked like.

          …imagining that godliness is a means of gain. 6 But bgodliness cwith contentment is great gain, 7 for dwe brought nothing into the world, and3 we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But eif we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.9 But fthose who desire to be rich fall into temptation, ginto a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that hplunge people into ruin and destruction.

          Contentment for Paul was fully grasping that all that we had was a gift from God and true satisfaction derived from knowing that all we pursue will stay here, and all we will have left is Christ. For many contentment Is hard because we wrongly assume that living a godly life will produce our desired end. However, in 1 timothy 6 godliness with contentment is great gain. Why? Because anything we place our trust in besides the living God equals nothing. Our chasing and pursuing things outside of a thriving relationship with God produces all kinds of evil and a heart that wanders. The reason we battle with this so strongly is found in Romans. We exchange creator and place the created things in his place. We don’t wanna be satisfied in Christ but feel as one pastor says that “Jesus + something=everything’. We forget that because our hearts our ‘idol factories” that the things we use to fill our longing hearts are never satisfied. Our voids are filled only by letting go of our preconceived notion that we need more things and rest in Christ who died on our behalf. Contentment is a hard concept and is the midst of our discontentment is where we find our idols. We must confront our hearts with the truth of the gospel ,letting nothing reign on the altar of our hearts but Christ and Christ alone. Digging deep to know him, encountering his truths and daily dying to ourselves.

Here are a couple things that discontentment is from a pastor at The Village Church

:Discontentment is ingratitude- We become so mindful with what we don’t have and what we want that we forget what we do have and what God did through his Son

:Discontentment is arrogance-we think we can manage our lives better than God has or will

:Discontentment is lust and greed-God has provided for all we need in Christ but we want more than that

:Discontentment is idolatry- we want something more than we want God-it’s a failure to believe that everything I need is found in Christ.

So we must repent of our grumbling and place faith in the finished work of Christ

                                                 Grace and Peace

Communities centered around Christ

The last couple of weeks I have been amazed at how God brings people from different backgrounds and cultures,into one body, to grow and to share life with one another. Community was created by God for the building up of the church and to express his glory to a world destroyed by sin. When reading through the Book of Acts a beautiful picture was painted, to show the importance of God centered community in the life of the believer. Acts 2:42-47 says

                2 And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe[a] came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

         In this passage I noticed a couple things when it comes to the importance and the call for biblical community. First, community built unity amongst the body, they were constantly breaking bread with one another. While falling in awe with Christ who had died on their behalf, they saw the need of praying with one another and engaging in deep fellowship. Im pretty sure this fellowship involved each individual being transparent about their failures and successes,while propelling each other to deeper fellowship with Christ. The breaking of bread was centered on Christ (because they devoted themselves to the apostles teachings) and because of this centrality on Christ and the gospel, they felt a overwhelming need to share what they had, which leads to my second reason. The community was created so that none was lacking in the body. Since these people probably saw that all they had was a gift from God, they had no problem giving to help the bind stay strong. Gospel driven community is created for us to provide for those in need. If it was clothing,food or finances we are not saved to be on an island worried only about our well-being. Lastly, the importance community was shown through the impact it had on unbelievers. This community sparked a revival, because it trained people to preach truth and because of their faithfulness the lord added to the church daily. The way God's people present themselves to the world should reflect the community in The Trinity and draw people in.

     If you are attempting to walk by yourself,pray and seek Gods face that Godly people will come into your life. And if you think you don't need it, ask God to crush your pride, repent and find yourself actively involved in community. We need to be challenged, encouraged and sharpened by one another. The first church knew that in order for disciples to be built and the message of Christ to be proclaimed to the ends of the earth, that constant community was a must.
    Cherish community,seek for it, and fall more in love with the Father.

My Struggles and Gods redemptive work

SOOO!! Where should I begin? Well I guess I will start with the ROOT it seemed all my sinful tendencies stemmed from. INSECURITIES!! For as long as I could remember I struggled with the feeling of being inadequate. This feeling of being inferior or less than caused me to strive and work for the love of others, and when I would fail the confidence I thought I had would vanish. So in this pursuit to be loved and accepted I found myself living a sinful life, hiding it from those who were closest. My insecurities in relationships caused me to struggle with trust, to me my constant thought would be "Why would someone be with me, it must be something behind it". So when I encountered those who probably genuinely loved me it was hard for me to accept it, because I could not understand fully why someone would love "ORREN". My insecurities also displayed itself in another way, in order to prove to myself, family, and friends; in relationships I would try to prove my masculinity by having sex. In my insecurities I would pursue relationship after relationship, finding comfort and my identity in them.I lost many friends because instead of seeing their own sin they viewed mine as "greater" and wanted nothing to do with me. Instead of knowing my identity that was wrapped in the person of Christ I turned selfishly to women making them idols, serving them as God. In this pursuit I objectified women and because of that I lacked self-control and could not keep my hands to myself. So to these women who viewed me as a man who loved God and hated sin a different picture was painted. I know I had hurt those I had built intimate relationships with because they knew me on a personal level and noticed the double life I lived in. I would one day be holding small groups and the next min trying my best to maintain this beautiful image I had created before men. On twitter and facebook I was able to say "deep stuff", also able to engage in great conversations and hold my own. However, I lived a life addicted to porn, and sexual immorality, my life was driven by lust and I would do anything to fulfill my selfishness. So if that meant a relationship, I would appear "Holy" for a couple weeks but after that the real ORREN would come out. I couldn't keep up the great act I performed before an great audience. SELFISH, PRIDEFUL, LIAR AND VERY PIOUS was how I would describe ORREN. I lived and sometimes still live for the praise of men to be accepted and found as worth something. This is a guy who grew up in church, knew church lingo and how to "fake it until I made it". I knew what repentance was, I know the redemptive work of Christ and what that meant for me, but the lifestyle that should follow never seemed to appear. In this sin I practiced God remained and remains faithful to provide Grace when I lack strength to live a life that is set apart. I am a broken man, with a long list of sin but when Christ really saved me and continues to save me from my old nature, I am seeing constant fruit being bore (the fruit not coming as fast as I would like though lol). I still struggle with lust, I still find myself viewing women as my source of pleasure, but in those moments the God of universe is shaping and molding me by his word. I know how selfish i can be and I also know that when I am weak I can rely on the strength of Christ. I am living for a audience of one, my life is not a life seeking to be liked or loved but I am already those things because of the finish work of Christ. To those I might have offended or even hurt because this fallen man I wrestle with, I ask for forgiveness and ask for your prayer and for you to extend grace when I fall short. I no longer want to live as a punchline Christian who says deep things for twitter RT OR facebook LIKES but I live with this in mind. That "Christ is most glorified in me, when I am most satisfied in him". Pray for your brother I struggle and sometimes I fall but I am a guy who really loves God and want to live for him.